I woke up close to two hours ago (it's now 4:49am) with the heavy thought of what today brings. This day, six years ago, my dad was unexpectedly taken from us. We had no warning. No chance to prepare. No opportunity to say our goodbyes. He was just...gone.
This thought still crushes my heart when I allow myself a moment to stop my busy-work and let my mind wander. Six years later and the pain isn't as sharp or raw but it's still my constant, silent companion. Sitting in wait for me to breathe before it punches me all over again.
Sometimes I choose to look at the horribleness of it all with a perspective of hope. In those moments, instead of saying he's been gone for six years I choose to say we're six years closer to our reunion. Those are the moments I give deep, heartfelt, tear-filled thanks to God for even allowing me to have him in my life for any period of time. Thanks for the wonderful father he was for me and the foundation of love he gave me.
Sometimes I choose to look at the horribleness of it all with a perspective of injustice. In those moments, instead of saying we're six years closer to our reunion I choose to say he was taken from me six years ago. Those are the moments I give deep, heartfelt, tear-filled rantings to God for how unfair it is that He took him from my kids, my mom, and me. Rantings that He stole memories from us that we weren't ever given the opportunity to make.
I'm not really sure my perspective today. I feel kind of lost and in a bit of a spin this morning. I want to honor him today somehow, but I can't think of what I want to do to honor him. My logical brain side tells me that I honor him every day by working hard and loving my kids and husband. That's what my dad would want me to do. But something just doesn't feel like that's enough today. I want to do something today that I don't normally do to stop and honor him. I have a little more than 18 hours to figure it out. If anyone actually reads this and has any ideas for me, please share them with me.
Feels odd to be ending a post without a concluding paragraph but I really don't have one. I just have a request for any ideas to honor him today.
No comments:
Post a Comment