Holiday Survival

This morning the bright sun woke me up and I felt an immediate sense of relief.  The first thoughts that crossed my mind were, "It's over.  I did it.  I survived another Christmas.  Oh thank God it's over!"  There is so much joy for me in those thoughts.  So much relief.  The holidays are finally over (with the exception of New Years) and I don't have to deal with them for another 10-11 months.

A heaviness settles over my heart from November through December as any celebrations are tainted by the sorrow deep within.  I used to love the holidays and looked forward to them.  Now, I look forward to them being over.  I put them out of my mind as best as I can and fill my thoughts with work, work, work.  This year I did so well at pushing Christmas out of my mind that on December 22nd Levi told me we HAD to finally go shopping for our kids' Christmas presents.  I hadn't done a bit of shopping for them until that day.  While I am a master procrastinator, the reason for the late start was not because of poor time management or letting time escape me as it usually does.  This time it was a pure refusal to acknowledge the holidays.  If I don't think about them, then it doesn't hurt as bad.  It's simply denial.  Needless to say, the evening of the 22nd after we had done our shopping and the reality of Christmas was brought front and center, the heaviness of another holiday without my dad could not be pushed away.  It was an emotional night and the next morning was no different.  And every day after, up until this morning, has been emotional as well.  It takes determination to keep the tears from falling and to try and make Christmas fun for our kids when all I want to do is cry, cry, cry.  It's not fair that he's not here with us.  It's not fair the kids don't have their night to spend over at my parents house.  It's not fair.  He was too young to be taken away.

And yet, I know in my heart God is faithful and He is still and always will be good to me.  This morning, the heaviness on my heart was gone.  The sun was brightly shining on my face, waking me up.  And a verse came to mind.  Lamentations 3:22-23, "It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not.  They are new every morning: great is they faithfulness."

I survived another holiday season.  I was not consumed.  His mercies are new every morning and I felt the relief of that this morning when I woke.  Oh thank God.

Becoming Too Familiar Without Him

I tried Googling to see if others who grieve feel the same, but I must have been searching the wrong words since I didn't find anything.  I'm sure there are others because I know that while we are each unique, we are not alone and many have walked this road of grief before me.  So just in case there is someone out there who is Googling "I worry life without my dad is becoming too familiar", you are not alone.

I'm getting used to him not being here anymore.  I'm conflicted about how to feel about this realization.  Am I stuffing my feelings down and becoming numb?  Am I accepting the loss and moving forward?  Should I feel guilty I'm getting used to it and it's become the norm now?  I was afraid I'd forget about my dad.  That was the whole point of starting this blog.  I wanted to get as many memories down as I could before they faded.  Is that time now?  I struggle to remember the small details that were so fresh two years ago.  The sound of his voice in my head is softening...much quieter.  Am I forgetting it?  I don't want to forget.

I go about my busy days filling my time with work and my kids.  I've always been busy.  I was too busy to spend more time with him when he was alive...well, I just didn't make him a priority over other things like I now wish I had.  But this continuation into busyness, I think, may partly be trying to rush through this life and onto the next.  Trying to avoid the pain that comes with silence & a free-from-activity mind.

I don't want this familiarity with his absence.  It just means he's been gone for a long time.  I don't want him to be gone at all.

My thoughts are kind of scattered right now, but I wanted to put this out there just in case anyone felt the same and stumbled upon this.  You're not alone.  This familiarity is not something I'm welcoming either.

In My DNA

We are coming up on the two year mark of Dad's passing.  I try to leave myself freedom in my schedule when I know difficult days will be coming up.  This week and next will be no different.  My parents' anniversary would've been October 1st and then Dad's passing was October 8th.  Somehow while managing my own grief, I will need to be aware of my mom's grief and be sensitive to when she needs me.  It may be a balancing act.

Right now I have his flannel shirt on.  When I was offered the shirt by my mom, I accepted it because it was his.  I had no idea how often he wore this shirt until I was looking through pictures of him.  I bring it out when I'm feeling down and put it on to feel closer to him.  It's been awhile, but the past week I've brought it out twice.  My excuse was that I was cold but really, I'm feeling low in my soul.  The kids have noticed me wearing it and I think that causes them to be more careful around me...more sensitive and trying to offer more kindness and compassion to each other and to me than usual.  I have wonderful kids.

Tonight Anna asked me, "Have you ever had that feeling that you didn't really appreciate what you had when you had it but now you do?"  She then started going into memories she had of time spent with my dad.  I know she wishes she could have those moments back.  I fully believe we have a good God who is always in control.  But my heart also struggles with feeling like we were robbed.  All the years and memories we wanted to have.  Stolen.  But never ours to stake a claim on.  Still...robbed.

One thing that brings me comfort is knowing that even though he is not here, half of me is him.  His DNA is part of me and always with me.  My heart that beats and breaks for him, is part him.  My hands that wipe the tears which stream down my face...all part him.  My skin, nails, and hair; part him.  It may not be him; but it's something.  At times I feel bad for my mother because it's more than she was allowed to keep of him.  She has many more memories than I do.  But I have his DNA.  I am part him.

Just Like My Father

When I was a little girl, I noticed my dad could make wrinkles above his eyes on his forehead. I would point them out to him while we were cuddling and he would let me pretend my fingers were feet as I "walked" them up the staircase that his forehead became. I was never able to make my forehead wrinkle up like that and thought it was one of the coolest tricks.

This morning as I was getting ready for the day, I looked in the mirror and noticed some lines on my forehead. The kind of lines made from age....wrinkles! So I lifted my eyebrows as high as I could and there it was; my very own staircase made of wrinkles! I can finally do one of the coolest tricks ever! I "walked" my feet/fingers up my staircase forehead and smiled in memory of him. What a wonderful gift these wrinkles are and what a wonderful dad to make something so simple make such a lasting impression.

Birthday Wishes

While I love celebrating other people's birthdays, I don't enjoy my own. As a kid I used to but one birthday kind of ruined them all for me. It has some not so great memories of my dad that I should probably not post because who wants to remember hurt feelings? But here goes. On my 17th birthday I went to school with high hopes for the day. But during lunch I couldn't find any of my friends and ended up eating alone. I came home from school that day to an empty house as my parents were both at work & I don't remember where Angel was. I was feeling very lonely when a friend called and invited me to get ice cream from Dairy Queen. Of course I said yes. Who wants to be alone all day on their birthday? So I went to their house and we had some ice cream and it was a nice time. I wasn't alone anymore.

Next thing I know, their phone is ringing and it's my dad telling me to get home right away. He was angry I wasn't home when he got off work. Back at home he proceeded to yell at me and tell me how selfish I was for going out to my friend's house on my birthday and why didn't I consider that my family might want to have dinner with me. He then sent me to my room for the night. It was awful. I was lonely all day and when someone reached out to me, I didn't push them away. I didn't want to be alone anymore that day, but he only saw me as selfish for not considering his feelings that day.

So I'm not really a fan of my own birthday. With him gone now, it's such an emotional day. I spent a great amount of time yesterday crying. THANKFULLY, an old phone has a birthday voicemail he left me which I played at least a dozen times yesterday. Over and over. All day I was irritated and just wanted the day to end. But I had already planned on working out with my trainer and she said we could go out afterwards for a treat at Applebee's. So we went and while there, she had a surprise waiting for me. She & Levi had schemed and my kids were there along with a couple of my friends. It was a really nice ending to a really crappy day. That was very thoughtful of both of them and made me feel very much loved.

I Really Miss Him

Losing my dad has been the deepest loss I've ever experienced.  You never think about how much of a void there will be to lose someone until it actually happens.  The separation is so hard.  

When I was in high school I had gotten in a fight with my dad while my boyfriend at the time was hanging out with me at our house.  I stormed out the door to walk it off and my boyfriend followed me to walk with me.  He was Mormon and I knew that one of his beliefs was that when people die they'll be with their family on a planet or world or something for "all time and eternity."  While my beliefs of Heaven were different, I do remember saying to him, "Why on earth would you want to be stuck with your family for eternity?!  I can't imagine being stuck with my dad that long."  

Funny looking back on that now because my heart longs for the reunion with my dad that will be eternal with no more separation to cause this void and sorrow within.  It's really true...you don't fully appreciate what you have until it is gone. Lord knows I under appreciated my dad most of my life, especially during the teen years.

Thank goodness I can hang onto the hope of a reunion only possible through Christ's sacrifice and love.  The waiting is still so hard.