I tried Googling to see if others who grieve feel the same, but I must have been searching the wrong words since I didn't find anything. I'm sure there are others because I know that while we are each unique, we are not alone and many have walked this road of grief before me. So just in case there is someone out there who is Googling "I worry life without my dad is becoming too familiar", you are not alone.
I'm getting used to him not being here anymore. I'm conflicted about how to feel about this realization. Am I stuffing my feelings down and becoming numb? Am I accepting the loss and moving forward? Should I feel guilty I'm getting used to it and it's become the norm now? I was afraid I'd forget about my dad. That was the whole point of starting this blog. I wanted to get as many memories down as I could before they faded. Is that time now? I struggle to remember the small details that were so fresh two years ago. The sound of his voice in my head is softening...much quieter. Am I forgetting it? I don't want to forget.
I go about my busy days filling my time with work and my kids. I've always been busy. I was too busy to spend more time with him when he was alive...well, I just didn't make him a priority over other things like I now wish I had. But this continuation into busyness, I think, may partly be trying to rush through this life and onto the next. Trying to avoid the pain that comes with silence & a free-from-activity mind.
I don't want this familiarity with his absence. It just means he's been gone for a long time. I don't want him to be gone at all.
My thoughts are kind of scattered right now, but I wanted to put this out there just in case anyone felt the same and stumbled upon this. You're not alone. This familiarity is not something I'm welcoming either.
