This morning the bright sun woke me up and I felt an immediate sense of relief. The first thoughts that crossed my mind were, "It's over. I did it. I survived another Christmas. Oh thank God it's over!" There is so much joy for me in those thoughts. So much relief. The holidays are finally over (with the exception of New Years) and I don't have to deal with them for another 10-11 months.
A heaviness settles over my heart from November through December as any celebrations are tainted by the sorrow deep within. I used to love the holidays and looked forward to them. Now, I look forward to them being over. I put them out of my mind as best as I can and fill my thoughts with work, work, work. This year I did so well at pushing Christmas out of my mind that on December 22nd Levi told me we HAD to finally go shopping for our kids' Christmas presents. I hadn't done a bit of shopping for them until that day. While I am a master procrastinator, the reason for the late start was not because of poor time management or letting time escape me as it usually does. This time it was a pure refusal to acknowledge the holidays. If I don't think about them, then it doesn't hurt as bad. It's simply denial. Needless to say, the evening of the 22nd after we had done our shopping and the reality of Christmas was brought front and center, the heaviness of another holiday without my dad could not be pushed away. It was an emotional night and the next morning was no different. And every day after, up until this morning, has been emotional as well. It takes determination to keep the tears from falling and to try and make Christmas fun for our kids when all I want to do is cry, cry, cry. It's not fair that he's not here with us. It's not fair the kids don't have their night to spend over at my parents house. It's not fair. He was too young to be taken away.
And yet, I know in my heart God is faithful and He is still and always will be good to me. This morning, the heaviness on my heart was gone. The sun was brightly shining on my face, waking me up. And a verse came to mind. Lamentations 3:22-23, "It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is they faithfulness."
I survived another holiday season. I was not consumed. His mercies are new every morning and I felt the relief of that this morning when I woke. Oh thank God.
